May 05, 2009

Along the path......

It's funny.

I started this blog in hopes of sharing my day to day life with Ayden. My light, my inspiration, my little man that means so much to me. Yet I find it harder and harder everyday to let loose of the things that are happening in my life. I struggle with turning this blog into Thomas' World way too much. I have drama and things happening in my life that I want to write about yet I stop short because this is AydensWorld. A story of me living his world. About him. Not me. Yet it's a struggle. Even though I feel it's a disservice to make this about my personal life outside of Ayden, my behind the scenes life does directly relate to me being Ayden's father and living in his world.

I have so many things that I passed up writing about because I filter those emotions and channel my energy to only write about Ayden directly, but is that really AydensWorld? Is that really living in his world as I intended. Every part of my life evolves around him, so wouldn't it be safe to say that no matter what I write about it would qualify for living in his world? Who cares anyway? This is MY rambling blog, not yours, so why does it even matter? I don't write content for the audience. If one even exists.
I write content for Ayden.

With these ramblings heed this warning. There maybe some changes take place with Aydensworld. I may take this thing to the deep, dark, inner thoughts of Aydens dad and it might get back to being a little dark. A little sad. A little funny. A little different. Who knows? Everyday is something new. No longer will I filter my thoughts and emotions. Maybe, just maybe, with me lifting the muffles, and writing what is on my mind, then this little ditty will be updated more?

I am just wondering down the short path of life wanting to capture my thoughts and feelings with my son being the spot lite. I just want to give him something to read, and understand what a joy it is to be his Father. The biggest fan Ayden could ever have in his life, writing about his experiences.

I have skipped so many things to write about because of my state of mind. Ive skipped certain events, holidays and special times with Ayden. Christmas this past year was completely passed over even though this was my year with Ayden. We had a great time, but with the great time came some really dark, disturbing thoughts. So it was skipped. Censored.

I never wanted him to read this project and really see that his old man was kind of a eccentric. A loner. A sometimes depressive mind that has all of these struggles with being the best father he can be and keep his own train on the track through the sometimes rocky road of his own life. Like every great story, mine has it's share of mistakes, dark thoughts, and disappointment.
Isn't a censored thought a lost thought?

What is this little project if it's not truly the uncensored, unbridled thoughts of the person creating it? The whole thing becomes stale and inaccurate and misses the point with it's intent. I live in Aydensworld, and it's truly a blessing. With every joy comes every challenge and doubt. Every disappointment and shortcoming. Without the pain, the joy would not be recognized.

Why the pressure?

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