January 20, 2010

Dark Part I

As I set here thinking about all the things I should be doing right now, my head is in serious need of a purge. A release of thought. A need to share all these thoughts about what it means to be happy.

I will be the first to tell you that true happiness comes from within. No other person or material object will bring true joy to your life. If Im being honest, I was not born with this thought of truth. It took awhile for me to realize it. I was born with the belief that if I done the right things, was in possession of the things I loved and enjoyed, that happiness, true happiness was a given. As I get older I realize just how off the mark that is.

So if true happiness comes from within, how does one really get to that point? Is it when they are completely satisfied with who they are and what they want out of life? Is it when they meet all the ingrained beliefs of who they think they should be? Or perhaps it's when one realizes that maybe they have the bar set just a little high and they are comfortable knowing that these goals, hopes and dreams of who they want to become might be just out of reach, but as long as they are aware of it, then they can be happy knowing who they are. They too are happy.

I know a few happy people. Truly happy could be debatable, but happiness does exist around me. People who are confident and comfortable with who they are and where they are in this journey. They are achieving their personal, professional, spiritual goals they have set for themselves. I also know a lot more people who are also reaching this pinnacle in their life but they still yearn for happiness. Not being content with where they are. Having reached the goals they have for themselves, living by their standards, yet true joy eludes them.

So where do I stand? I sit here believing that I am pretty comfortable with who I am. I strive in some form or fashion daily to improve myself in some small way. I have many goals, hopes and dreams. Some I have met, others I'm in pursuit of and others I have come to realize will remain dreams. It doesn't stop me from dreaming, it's just an awareness that some dreams might not ever be a possibility. I am comfortable with that. I am not where I want to be in life. If anyone reading this knows me at all or has followed this string of ramblings, knows my current situation is a difficult one at the present time. What gets me out of the bed in the morning is the belief that things will get better. If I stay the course then things will turn around for me. I have always considered myself a patient person. With the current challenges I face, I find myself growing more and more impatient. Yet I hold onto believing happiness comes from within. I yearn to be happy with any situation thrown my way. Sometimes I have great success, other times, not so much. But it's still in the back of my head that the next time I face the challenge that gets the best of me, I will whip it.

OK so if I am happy with who I am, aware that true happiness comes from within, and have a positive outlook at where I am, then why do I feel so miserable a majority of the time? I have a beautiful son who helps me realize how lucky I am. I have a great job that is both challenging and rewarding and is filled with potential. I have my health. So what the hell is my problem? Why do I wake up thinking that if I am genuine, honest and holding true to who I am, happiness should be an after thought? Yet as I lay my head down at night, I am faced with an emptiness of joy.

To those friends around me who are facing similar situations in their life that I have faced or are still in the midst of, I offer advice, its all about 'staying busy'. I believe that if I sit around thinking, as I have been doing all day, then that's when the depressed emptiness takes over. Regardless of being happy with me, I still have to remain busy. Does this mean that I am not truly happy with who I am? My desire to stay busy is killing me slowly and starting to take it's toll. I am at a point where I am waning from my goals, giving up a little day to day and losing focus of so many things that make me, me. Yet Im busy. Change is needed from the top down. My busy state of mind is not getting me there. A change of attitude, a change of direction, a change of what is keeping me so busy yet getting me nowhere. I have a lot of work to do.

I guess I better get busy.........

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